Keeping the faith

As many of you know, after Mom passed, I went through a very trying time and fell out of my faith after becoming very angry with God. I know that someone with a strong faith would recognize that opportunity to turn to God during grief, but I must not have been strong enough, as I turned away for months. It wasn't until about 6 months later that I was even able to step foot into a church without crying and feeling overwhelmed. It was still very difficult when I did, but at least I took that first step.

Steven and I got married this past summer, and just a couple weeks after the wedding, I had my annual health check-up where three tumors were found in my chest. It was a very trying and scary time, and all I could think about was what Mom must have had to go through every time...the needles, machines, waiting for test results, etc. All three were found to be benign, but I had to have one of them removed because it was the size of a golf ball and caused a great deal of pain and discomfort. The surgery went well, but recovery took a very long time. During the first few days, I was bedridden and couldn't physically make it to church. During that time, I felt my faith falter, just as it had done with Mom. I was angry, sad, hurt, and wanted to know why things like this kept happening in our family. Needless to say, I went through the same cycle again.

The past month or so, though, I've been feeling like something huge was missing from my life, and a part of me always knew what it was. It was very hard for me to set foot back in to our church last night because I knew that our absence would have been noticed since it is such a small church. During mass, I felt overwhelmed again, but in a different way. I felt like this huge weight was lifted off my shoulders, like that was where I was meant to be, like I was finally whole again.

I have always felt very strong and devoted to my Catholic faith, so I think I was the most surprised when I couldn't turn to my faith during times when I needed to most. That is why I am sharing this, to ask for your prayers of support and strength. It is a very difficult thing to say, let alone ask for help, but I feel like prayers will help. I need strength to stay true and not falter because I must not be as strong as I thought I was. Any prayers, thoughts, or intentions you can send this way would be greatly appreciated!

I have every intention of continuing to go to church every week, even though you never know what life has in store. I hope to remain strong during the good and the bad times so that I may keep the faith.

AMEN!